Second-Hand Princess Read online

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  Somewhere in the meadow, a trumpet was sounding. The Princess sat in her box, decked in her finest silk and lace. The birds chirped, and the crowd murmured and rustled. She smiled as her Aarach rode to her box to get his lady's favor for the tournament.

  He took her outstretched handkerchief with a smile. "Dear," she said. "Don't you have anything to say to me?"

  "Yes," he whispered, leaning close to her ear. "WAKE UP!"

  She woke up with a start, then closed her eyes tightly. The ghostly queen was leaning over her, concern on her face.

  "Oh, dear," the Queen said. "Rob, let's back up a bit." "Aarach," the King said. "We told you to tell her. Can't you behave, for once?"

  "Sorry..."

  "Aarach," the Princess whispered, her eyes tightly shut. "I want a priest."

  "What for, darling?"

  "I want to exorcise them."

  He thought hard. "They don't need any exercise. They're dead."

  "She wants to be rid of us, Aarach," the Queen interjected. "The nerve of her! She hasn't even met us."

  "Emily," the King said mildly. "I'm sure she didn't mean it. Did you, my dear?"

  It finally occurred to the Princess that she was being quite rude. She mustered her courage and sat up. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty." She brushed herself off and got up with an effort. "I'm rude when I've had a bad shock. It's a failing of mine. Sorry!"

  The Queen narrowed her eyes. "Of course."

  "Uh...this is the princess I rescued," Aarach said.

  "Yes, Aarach!" the King shouted. "Who else would she be...the chambermaid?!"

  "Uh... but you know the chambermaid. That's Marguerite..." Aarach lapsed into silence, a puzzled look on his face.

  The Princess looked from Aarach to the couple. The Queen looked at the Princess. The King glared at Aarach, then looked at the princess and suddenly extended his hand. The Princess recoiled, then remembered her manners and shook his hand gingerly, curtseying after she did so. She even resisted the impulse to wipe her hands on her sleeve.

  "Well, what should we do now?" said the Princess.

  Aarach's face lit up. "Let's eat!" he bellowed, and strode mightily over to the banquet table.

  It was lucky that Aarach ate for four, because the Princess had lost her appetite, and, of course, the King and Queen didn't eat a thing, being dead.

  After a while, Aarach rose up, wiped his mouth with his sleeve, and bellowed, "Who's for seconds?"

  "Aarach!" the Queen said.

  "Sorry," Aarach muttered. He lowered his head. After he realized his shoulder length hair was floating in his chicken bouillon, he lifted his head, dried his hair out with his oversized collar, and commenced eating again.

  "Well," the King said. "Tell me about your family."

  "They're dead," she said, looking through one of the high windows at the sky. She then realized what she said, and murmured, "Excuse me."

  "No offense taken," the King smiled.

  "It's just that in – um, where I come from, the deceased don't generally remain among the living."

  "How odd," the Queen frowned. "Where do they go?"

  The Princess smiled innocently. "Heaven."

  "Heaven," the King said blankly.

  The Queen thought, then brightened. "You remember Heaven, dear. That boring place, all those people singing..."

  "Oh, yes, I remember." The King smiled. "You have to admit, darling, it was much better than that other place." The Queen smiled in assent.

  "Anyway," the Princess hurried on. "My parents were eaten by the Dragon." At least, that's what she had always assumed. Why had she never asked?

  "Nasty creatures, dragons." The Queen shivered.

  The Dragon. In spite of her unfortunate failing when she ate her parents, she was quite a nice dragon. She provided her with adequate living quarters, hired servants, and had tea with her every day at 4:00, and had taught her all the arts of being a princess. All in all, she was looking nicer every minute. Too bad she was dead. She almost started crying, but then remembered her hosts. "Some of us believe --" the Princess snapped, then closed her mouth, "-- that dragons are nasty too."

  The Queen looked at her sharply. "Yes. They are."

  The Princess slapped her fingers into the finger bowl, wiped them rapidly on an old silk napkin, and stood up. "May I be excused?" she said, a little too quickly.

  "Why, our conversation is just getting started," protested the King.

  "Well, um..." A thought occurred to her, and she blushed. "I have to...uh...you know...visit the necessary."

  The Queen smiled at her. "Ah, yes. I understand completely."

  She managed to yawn convincingly. "Then I believe I shall turn in. It's been a long day."

  "All right, my dear," the King said. "We'll continue our conversation tomorrow."

  "Um. Yes."

  "What a nice young bride our boy has picked," she heard the King say as she was rushing out of the room.

  "Hush. She'll hear you," the Queen whispered, not quite softly enough.

  "HUH?" Aarach bellowed.